i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
it be like that
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.