My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
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[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
fr
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing