let’s discuss
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God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
is it earth
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.