Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
plant them where lol
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time