I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.