My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
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[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!