When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.