Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
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“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.