Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is