If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
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For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.