There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
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That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”