Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
These 3D printers are insane!
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.