Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice