Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
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Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”