Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
You know I’m something of a chef myself
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.