I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.