If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
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Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy