Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
This is enough internet for the day.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
is this a warning or an offer?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.