If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup