After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
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My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.