Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
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bad news gang
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this