Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
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If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party