“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
is this a threat
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.