“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.