roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
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Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot