1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
You Might Also Like
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.