y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
You Might Also Like
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.