it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
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This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Bro what is this
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Need this in my life lol
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.