What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
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I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
All is fair in drunk and war.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?