Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
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[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.