Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
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18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit