Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
another case of gang violins
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
inventing words: clothing
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.