me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
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I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive