being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
when someone rings the doorbell
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us