Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
You Might Also Like
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I’m tired tomorrow.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
*checks Timeline*…
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.