Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
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My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
So sick of all these stupid rules
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
nice challenge
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.