“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Guy who likes music
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.