me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How much for the goth pool noodles?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”