Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.