this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
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ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.