MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.