All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
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it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭