if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
You Might Also Like
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.