rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Weirdos gonna weird.