For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch