Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Does your wife know you’re single?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave