Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
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Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Breaking news:
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
wow
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
This was the best day of my life
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”