why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
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Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
uncle dave has been through hell
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
The Assassin.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
They’re not wrong