*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
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Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
All. The. Damn. Time.