i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.